I am often asked and happy to recount, what should people do on their holiday.  I think it is maybe more beneficial to know what you should NOT do on holiday.  Here are the most common mistakes that you can make on holiday with us – avoid them and it should be plane sailing…

The French lunchtime – This is sacred. It is not to be messed with or trifled with. It lasts two hours, sometimes 3 hours depending on the location. It starts at midday in most places, sometimes 12.30, sometimes 11.45. If you have a nice leisurely morning, a late breakfast, a quick swim, and then head out, more than likely the shops will close just as you get there…. when we first moved here even the supermarkets closed. At least that is no longer the case but in most towns, boutiques and that one place where you really want to go to, will in general, close just as you arrive!

The toddler supermarket trolleys – when we first moved here, Sam was 2 years old and I was pregnant with Evie. My delight, as I saw a tiny little trolley in the supermarket for Sam to push around, was palpable. Wow I thought – how cool is that? Little did I know what a menace toddlers in charge of a trolley are – bent over whilst heavily pregnant trying to steer the bloody thing and avoid little old ladies’ ankles is no mean feat. I tried this a few times – each time a disaster – nothing is safe and you are guaranteed to take out breakfast cereal boxes, shampoos on low shelves and grannies!  Avoid them at all costs. Don’t be that wally with a trolley!

Queueing – don’t get upset – they aren’t pushing in. There is a method to the madness of a non-uniform line. It is engrained in us Brits, at a young age, to stand in line and queue. We form an orderly line, each person standing behind the person in front of us. The next person behind us. We know where we are and we know who is next. Simples. One can feel the blood pressure rising as someone comes and stands at the side of you, or even slightly in front of you, and then someone saunters up to the other side. Are they trying to jump the queue?  What are they doing?  Don’t panic… they aren’t. I don’t know how it is done, it is some sort of Superpower, but the French know exactly where they are in the queue as they join in their rather random spot. They know you are in front of them, and they probably know, who is in front of you.  Whilst you will be getting hot under the collar about what to do when you get to the front and it’s your turn…. what do I say when this person pushes in, how do I say that in French, what shall I do?????….. aaghh…. don’t panic, invariably they will tell the shop attendant it is your turn. This works 99% of the time – of course, there is always the odd unashamed queue jumper and you could be unlucky.  But let it go…. you are on holiday and have all the time in the world (assuming it isn’t about to turn midday!).

The tides – We have the largest tide in Europe. It can be the difference between whether there is a beach and whether there is no beach at all, or a piece of sand the size of a tea-towel. Catch the tides wrong and you could wonder what on Earth I was talking about when I sent you to a beach with amazing shells on it, or the best beach for crabbing. Everything is under water. Always check the tides and always read the tide times before drinking wine in the bar (sorry Ann-Maria). The graphs are complicated and it is way too easy to read it the wrong way around. At Petit St Michel, in Erquy, there is a little chapel to walk out to across a causeway. Slippy at the best of times and shouldn’t be undertaken in flip flops (sorry Stuart). However, if you get the tides correct, and there is a noticeboard at the beach which indicates when you should and should not cross to the chapel, once across the view is amazing, the chapel is cute and all the little messages on shells are so nice to read.  What you don’t want, is to start your walk to the chapel as the tide is coming in. What you don’t want is to have to run back across that slippy causeway in flip flops carrying a small child. That would just be silly (sorry again Stuart).  And what you don’t want is to be rescued by boat because you haven’t made it. This did not happen to Stuart but he was the closest anyone has ever come!

We also have what is known as “La Grande Maree“.  This is a very high and very fast approaching tide. It is a spectacular site and well worth watching if one happens to fall when you are with on holiday with us. We go regularly to watch this and the best place to see it is at Pleneuf Val Andre. When the kids were young they loved it – less so now but I feel that is to do with them being teenagers rather than the tide. Last year we took Simon’s mother, eager to see this natural spectacle.  She was advised not to get too close to the edge. We were going for dinner afterwards. We weren’t paying attention as were picking up a dog poop, and to our horror when we looked up, Grandma had gone ‘rogue’ and was having a look over the edge of the promenade. She had got impatient and was doubting our description of the waves crashing over the barriers.  Needless to say, an enormous wave came in and landed on her. She was drenched and lucky not to have been swept away. Dinner was aborted as we raced her home to warm her up. This was in November and Simon’s mum is her 80s. I am hoping that she doesn’t learn how to read my blogs or I will be in trouble for this. Love you, Grandma xxx.

Disclaimer – photo is not of Grandma

Lait Ribot – As soon as I hear someone complaining about the milk being off in the supermarket, I know exactly what they have done. The dreaded Lait Ribot. In the supermarkets you find this in the fridge next to the very small collection of fresh milk. It’s an easy mistake to make, but one that is not forgotten quickly.  Lait Ribot is fermented butter milk. The Breton’s have it in a bowl with galettes. I have never tried this local speciality but I am told it is lovely. I will take their word for that. It certainly is not lovely in a cup of tea. In summer, when emptying the fridges after people check out, we find at least 3 or 4 bottles of this a week. They don’t go to waste as the cleaners make use of them, but remember avoid Lait Ribot and definitely do not put it in your tea!

Passports – don’t forget these. The number of people who put them in a safe place in the gite or lodge, and then promptly forget them when they leave. We had one guy (sorry Andy), who left his passports behind. He was driving home via Calais as needed to get back quickly –  he had a cricket match he was playing in on the Sunday. Anyway, he left in the morning.  At about 6pm – I got a call, could I check for passports please.  I was given the information of a hiding place in a lodge. The next people were already installed. Up to La Garenne I went, the new family hadn’t spotted the passports, but after directing them to a very cunning hiding place, there they were – 4 British passports. No chance of getting on that Chunnel without them since Brexit. Do you want me to courier them?  No, it will take too long. Andy checked his partner and two under 4 year olds into a hotel near the Chunnel, and drove all the way back.  He arrived near midnight. It was the night of a big boxing match that we had on pay per view in the bar, so he came in, sat down, we made him a double expresso, watched the fight, got back in his car and headed back to Calais.  He made the cricket the next day, has been back to stay with us since, is coming back next year, and happily took the ribbing.  Plus his team won the cricket match!

Andouille – Andouille has two meanings, if someone calls your little bundle of joy an Andouille, it is a term of endearment – means they are a bit mischievous, or cheeky. If however, you spot this on a restaurant menu, it is perhaps the most offensive smelling piece of tripe sausage you will ever have the misfortune to have on your plate.  If you know my Simon, then you will be aware that he will eat anything, the stranger and more offensive the better. In Japan he ate a tuna head, gill and eye, he has tried the ‘Tete de veau’ (veal head) speciality, he didn’t mind it, don’t think he would order it again, but he thought it was OK, he will devour the smelliest cheese on the plate, the stinkier and stronger the better, but he cannot stomach the infamous Andouille.  Order it, if you want a sure fire way of NOT enjoying your dinner and want the rest of the family to moan at you about the smell, otherwise avoid this at all costs. Don’t say you have not been warned. I had one family who asked to move tables in a restaurant the smell was once so bad (sorry Sally).

The shutters – There are shutters on most windows, hence there are sheer, fine blinds or curtains on a number of bedroom windows, including roof windows (new shutters for 2024). They aren’t immediately obvious, sometimes they have a turn-y pole, sometimes a switch, to close them. But they are there. Don’t forget to close them, you may not need them when you go to bed at night, but by 6am in the morning in summer, you will have bright sunshine glaring through your windows waking up not only you, but the kids as well.  Once closed, however, set those alarms if you want to make the shops before you close for lunch – I know one family who once slept til 1pm (sorry Jo and Simon).

Pool – I am talking about the pool table in the bar! Unless you want to be there all night, do not beat Simon. He will keep you there until he starts winning. I think he has a pretty much 99% unbeaten record, mainly because people have realised the only way he will let you leave the bar is if you lose. He is ultra competitive, it’s his table, and he knows it well – and if this does not work, he will ply you will alcohol until you can no longer see the pockets (sorry Archie and Liz).

OK, these are the pitfalls that spring to mind, this list is not exhaustive and I will no doubt add to this as the years go by.  I promise also to write a blog about our mistakes…. it’s only fair. I fear that list will be significantly longer. For those of you old enough to remember Fawlty Towers, well Simon is definitely Basil & Manuel combined, and I am Sybil. I am often told I should write a book – well in the absence of any real talent, I feel a book maybe one step too far, so this blog is about as far as I will go…. Coming soon – Lesley and Simon’s Great Escapes.

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